In all my years, I never envisioned living life with steadfast grief. Not grieving the loss of a child. Grieving the loss of the life I saw for my child. Grieving the loss of the life I envisioned for my family. I am the firstborn...type A...the rule follower...a closet organizer. I appreciate and crave order. But grief has no playbook. And it leaves behind one hell of a mess. Denial Zella the zebra came into this world in mostly the same way as her older three siblings. There was no fanfare upon delivery, just another silently breathed prayer of thanks followed by a slew of sleepless nights and tongue-tied nursing struggles. The diagnosis that followed her arrival nearly 18 months later caught us off guard. We were determined to make the most of it, and honestly as an ... [Read More]
Zella
Our Single Best Purchase
As a shopaholic, I have bought my fair share of products both awesome and hideous. Cheap and expensive. Gorgeous and meh. And oh, the rationalizations... "We'll use this 400 million times.""It practically pays for itself.""How innovative!""That sale won't last long." "No doubt this will sell out again." My bad habits are nothing if not predictable. So when Jake and I started seriously discussing putting in a swimming pool at the house back in 2016, only a year after moving back to Augusta, I made my pros & cons list. Pro I will suddenly have time to take up reading...in a serene outdoor settingour kids will spend time outside and away from electronicsI will entertain like a pro, throwing fabulous parties and playdatesour kids will become Olympic swimmers, each ... [Read More]
The Things I Didn’t Say…
Today after Jake got home from work we decided to take the family out for a late lunch at Atlanta Bread and follow it up with some amazing shaved ice from Pelican's SnoBalls (highly recommend, by the way). The older three kids had been briefed about being quiet and calm while in the restaurant, but we knew that like always, Zella would be the wildcard. Luckily as we entered Atlanta Bread we were relieved to find that it was still as loud as ever inside and even an occasional outburst from Zella would potentially never even be noticed. We ordered quickly and found two tables next to each other in the far corner of the restaurant, away from most of the other patrons. As we waited for our food, the older kids managed not to beat each other (a sheer miracle) and Zella was ... [Read More]
I Didn’t Know I’d Find You Here
A few weeks ago I was struck by the lyrics to the first verse of Ellie Holcomb's "Find You Here"... "It's not the news that any of us hoped that we would hear It's not the road we would have chosen, no The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead But You're asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song instead" Since Zella's diagnosis in June of 2016, one of my biggest fears has been that Cole, Vera, and Asher will eventually grow to resent their youngest sibling...becoming embarrassed by Zella and her behaviors that are never age-appropriate. Her therapies are a huge time suck and she is growing more and more difficult when it comes to bringing her to events with the rest of the family. One day she will no longer look like a toddler, and from that day forward the general ... [Read More]
The Things You Never Thought You Would Have to Say…
On Wednesday night after orchestra practice as we pulled in to the garage, Cole asked the first of what I know will be many questions regarding the uncertainty of Zella's future. "Will Zella ever learn to drive?" "No," I said. "Zella's brain is different from yours and it won't really allow for her to be able to learn that skill." "But she will have kids, right?" "No...but you can have kids and Zella will be there to play with them." "Yeah! By the time she is 28 I'll have kids and she can play with all of them!" he said happily. And that was it. In two minutes Cole had successfully reconciled what, for Jake and I, has been many months of agonizing over Zella's future. He wasn't upset or sad at what we had said, but instead Cole took this new reality and seamlessly integrated it ... [Read More]
Zella: A Birth Story
Zella was born on December 23rd of 2014, a mere two days before Christmas. Being our fourth child in five years, my husband and I had exhausted our list of approved baby names and were completely stuck when it came to potential middle names. We would soon come to realize, however, that the answer was actually staring us in the face. My pregnancy with Zella was routine, even mundane. I had some of the best prenatal care available first at the Medical College of Georgia in Augusta, Georgia where my husband was finishing his pediatric residency, and then later at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee where we moved for his fellowship in clinical informatics. As with my prior three pregnancies, I was nauseous during all waking hours up until around the 24th week, and then from ... [Read More]
